(I know it's been a while since I wrote in this journal.. I've just withdrew to protect myself and my family a bit from other parts of our family.. it's been a rough 6 months or longer.. lots of stuff to write.. just didn't want to bare everything with the chance of people finding it)



When hope is lost.. there's nothing more.. I just need a little bit of hope to carry on..

I've walked down this path now for months... holding onto a bit of hope... holding it, protective like a mother to her offspring.. Trying to nurture the hope.. trying to make it more than what is really was...

Now I've found I've lost that little bit of hope... that bit of hope that I've held onto for so long seems so small today.. so feeble and weak. I just do not know if I can hold onto it much longer and my heart weeps for it.. aches for it... truly longs for it.

The irony in this.. we were just given more reasons to be hopeful.. but after a year of hanging onto this I'm just so drained.. so exhausted and I've all but given up... given up on what little hope I had.. what little chances that I believed in.. I'm just so exhausted from thinking of it... making it a part of my life.. making it bigger each day thinking that there was a good chance my hope would become a reality.. I know it's not impossible that it could be a reality.. but I don't know if I can hang on anymore.. I don't know if I can face each day thinking that someday that hope will come true.. I'm spent.. done.. I don't know how much more I really can hang on to this.. How much longer I really can hang on and go on with it..

I'm looking at it with so much pain right now that I forgot how it felt not to carry it around with me.. Carrying it around has felt like chains weighing on my heart.. I so want the strength to carry this weight longer.. to believe that there really is a chance.. to know that every prayer I whispered was heard..to know that I would at some point turn that hope into a reality...

Please give me the strength to carry this hope longer.. to see it through.. to give it all of the chance I can.. all of the opportunity to become real.. Please give me the strength to face yet another trial of my will.. another trial of my strength and my heart... Just give me the strength to continue what I've started.. please....


Along with that entry.. I'm tired.. I'm tired of outside family drama.. I wish there was an end to what we have to deal with on the family front.. I'm so in love with the man I married.. even more now than when I met him.. but sometimes I wish I could just walk away from his family.. walk away from the mess that has become a part of our life.. I wish we could just pack everything up and leave.. move as far away from this problem as we could.. This has really taken a lot out of me.. Each session pushes me further down the wrong path.. Each flair up of anger toward this situation affects not just my happiness but I do believe my health.. I don't know how to fix this. It's so hard to look past things that seem to be shoved in your face constantly.. It's so hard to take the repeating of things over and over again.. It's so hard being treated less than what you are and being able to get up and stand up against them.. I'm just so tired of dealing with all these issues.. so tired of seeing them.. and knowing that it's never going to end.. never going away.. it's only gong to go on and on. Each session will be different but the underlaying factors remain the same. How do you go through life dealing with these things and remain happy? How do you turn the other cheek when they're always in your face? I don't know anymore on how to deal with these things... I know I should ignore and go on but sometimes it's almost impossible to do what you are suppose to do in life...

As I do not want to go into a lot of details on here about some of my personal issues for a bit... due to the nature of not wanting relatives to know anything.. I have to say that right now this month has left me a little broken hearted.. I know it's just one month of this new journey.. and there's still hope... but it just left me feeling a bit broken....

I let it get to me yesterday and today... Here's hoping I can put my heart back into it... pick myself back up and put my faith back in god where it needs to be....

My faith... that leads me into a part of this entry I feel the need to write....

Growing up.. faith.. it wasn't really known to me.. No one took me to church.. what religious teachings I got were from two little old ladies that ran the program at school ( I doubt that is allowed anymore) I learned what I could from them.. but that was the extent of my education.. my belief...

Throughout my life though I've always seemed to have been drawn to those with a strong belief in god.. with a strong faith. My best friend in elementary school was a pastors daughter.. and my best friend in high school came from a very religious family...  Then the man that later became my husband.. he too has a very strong religious background.. faith... I didn't understand ever really why I was always drawn to this crowd.. but to me it has always felt right.. everyone of the people in my lives that have a strong faith have all impacted me so strongly.. I've mentioned only 3 people in my life but there were many more.. and everyday I look back and realize I was in search of them.. of a meaning in life.. of something I did belief in but needed to have others around me too that believed too.

Today as a grown adult I can admit my faith.. I can stand up and say I do believe in god.. my religious education may not be strong but my feelings are real...

I'm not going to go on further.. but I guess I just needed to say that I do have faith.. I do believe and I do put my faith in god when it comes to my own life..

Tonight I sit here so sad... so broken.. but I put my life in his hands... and I know he knows what is best for me.. and with that... I will continue on...

I hope to return to blogging soon... there's been a lot of things in our life going on that I didn't want family to stumble across and read... so I've kept this quiet.. until I don't have to worry about them finding things out... cryptic I know :)

On other sad news... how do you explain to your 10 year old.. why on earth his classmates dad murdered his classmates mom and then turned around and shot himself? How do you explain to him that sometimes people are sick mentally and they do bad things?

I tried talking with him explaining things to him and I'm very upset with the school for not helping the kids with this... He's very upset... he knew the mom she helped out off and on at school like most of us moms do.. and he's not grasping the idea of why that man would kill his wife.. and his classmates mom.. I feel very sad for the little girls left without parents.. and sad for the whole family and situation..

I don't understand people in this world sometimes... why people do the things they do.. I wish I could just keep my own kids in a bubble at protect them forever.. but I know that's impossible

This is going to be a totally self pitty post... so please those that read this.. just disreguard it...

I'm tired.. totally tired.. I've had so much on my plate for so long.. there's too much work and not enough time for me to get it done.. I'm saving money for that thing we plan on doing.. but I can't save it fast enough.. which adds to my frustration.. and if we do go through with it.. is it going to work.. or did I just waste a huge junk of money that our family could have really used somewhere else? What am I thinking for even trying to do this? I want it.. for so many reasons.. I guess I keep thinking it's going to be a patch too to my happiness.. Try to fix some of the sadness I have.. and that's probably not a good reason and it's not the only reason.. I want it for lots of others.. but I think I will totally be broken if this doesn't work...

Then the people around me.. I'm just so tired of it all.. Tired of the lies.. the aggrivations.. of the keeping it equal when there is nothing equal about it... Tired of others getting their way.. and always finishing first when the only way they did it was crushing people along the way..

I'm just tired.. I've waited so long for something I want.. it's not still 3 months at the minimum away.. and I don't know if I will really reach that goal after it's done.. and I am so tired of watching others come in first...

yes.. this is a major whine... self pitty entry... sometimes I guess you just have to get this out!!

Last week started our senior session season... I have to say it started with one of my favorite seniors this year... he was our ring barer at our wedding.. Now look at him.. he's all grown up and finishing his last year of high school.. I've been working on these images all week dumb struck that the kid I first met at 4 is now 17... Just amazing.. He's grown into such a good young adult too..

With the start of the Senior season.. I have 5 seniors booked already (one loosely booked) and then another family member to fit in too...our flower girl... is also a Senior this year.. She's grown into such a beautiful lady... So one from each side of our families is graduating this year... Both good sweet kids..

The studio is coming along.. we got that back in May.. and with a little more tlc in the next year it should be amazing.. it needs drywall up still in it.. but we plan on working with the building as is until next spring and then try to get the inside finished off.. I've done two sessions out there and I'm in love with the fact I now have a studio... We've also started prepping for the uncoming holiday season.. we've got two different Christmas themes going... and I've been making LOTS of Christmas cards to offer this year...
It's excited.... and scary all at once...

The kids are now entering I think week 3 of summer rec.. Swim lessons are going well.. The boys are in the same class.. and Em's in 2 classes under them.. so I have 30 minutes to waste while we are there.. somedays that just drags...

My oldest baby turns 10 next week.. I'm just amazed at how fast kids grown up.. I remember being that age and thinking I'd never be old enough to drive and do all those fun things.. somedays what I wouldn't give to go back just for a bit to enjoy the youth and innocence again... I was just looking at his one year picture last night smiling at his cute little smile and noticing how much he's changed.. and grown...

I've been trying to remain calm and not let some things get to me... certain family that seems to push buttons and want to compete.. sometimes.. I could just scream!!!! and watching things really gets to me at times.. I know it shouldn't but sometimes... you just can not help it..

Our plans are still going forward.. I am hoping to have all the required money by January and hubby is planning on scheduling the appointment early on in January.. so...by March I hope our plans will be underway!!!! He's not changed his mind yet!!!!!

Seems like this summer if flying by... which always happens summers go by so last and here in the north winters seem like that last forever!

Time to go to swim.. better get moving before the kids start to get me moving..lol...

The start of our official summer around our house will start Friday at 12:45 when those kids get off the bus for the last time this school year...

Where oh where did the time go... In this year.... my baby started school.. and my oldest is starting to discover girls... (way too young I must add) Time goes by in the blink of an eye... but the memories will always be happy reminders of the years gone by...

My "baby" and I use that term lightly now..lol.. will turn 6 in 11 days.. It just doesn't seem possible.. I still remember holding her in the hospital rubbing her cheek in disbelief that she was actually mine.... I just finished up her birthday shopping today..I got her a cute little outfit from the Mart store that starts with a K.. I found it on sale... she said she wanted new clothes... so I couldn't resist.. plus she wanted a new shrek ps2 game.. and currently the game based on the new movie  is too pricey for me.. but we found an older game that was cheap so I picked that up.. she has one other game.. and I too have a game  based on the cartoon..lol...  Then I found her a minature my little pet set she's been wanting.. and a cute little tin tinkerbell purse for 4 dollars that I went and got a couple 88 cent things of fingernail polish, lip balm and sunglasses to go in it.. Painting her fingernails and toenails is the new cool thing she thinks.. so this will be something she loves (the other little girls in her class do their nails... that's why she started to like it) Ispent roughly 50-60 dollars on her birthday.. and we tend to keep that price range for each child..

Plus I already have the boys birthdays started since they are both in the next two months.. I found baseball cards for Vinnie for 10 a whole boxed set.. and then we picked him up a beginning drum learning set for 10... and then Zach I have a remote controlled mini version of a toy he really wanted for 10.. and a magic set I know he'll love for 5.. so I've got a good start on them also... I try to make their birthdays as special as I can.. and not break the bank....

I plan on signing the kids up for summer rec. again this year.. plus Em will be taking a beginning reading class in the summer.. that her current teacher teaches.. to keep her reading skills over the summer until first grade... We did this with our oldest too and it worked out really well for him...

We booked soccer pictures already to do in Early fall.. boy am I excited.. more money to our fund that we are saving.. I still am dumb struck that husband had a change of heart and we are actually discusses this.. and saving money.... I've been on cloud 9 and also scared to death that something will go wrong or he'll change his mind for the last couple of weeks..Only time will tell.. and I'm not a patient person!!!!

We just finished up dance... the recital was very nice and Em did wonderful.. Zach finished up baseball last week and this will be Vin's last week of baseball.. We signed up all three kids for soccer in August at their request... We try to let them do one activity at a time.. with signing em up.. we might be done with dance... she wanted to play soccer more.. which was cool with us...

I made it through fathers day... I miss him more and more.. I just wish he could see these kids grow and mature.. and I just wish I could tell him I loved him..

To anyone that knows me.. they know the one thing I want more than anything in this world..

Well Sunday my dh told me that he was thinking about it the last three months and he's in.... yes, that's right he's in... I have the mere issue of saving 5500 for the surgery.. but I got a YES!!!

So maybe next year at this time this journal might get more interesting.. Here's crossing my fingers.. to save up the money.. for it to work.. and it to HAPPEN!!!!!


I'm still in shock.. scared... and worried.. I'm crossing my fingers I can save up enough money.. nothing happens between now and then.. and that it works.. I know there is a slim chance that they don't work... or that I work after the fact..lol...

To anyone that doesn't know what I am talking about.. I apologize.. but if family happens by this... I want to keep things under wraps for now...lol...

all I can say in the end is.... WOW..........

I always think of the poem when it rains alot.... This time.. it popped into my head as we had 2 inches of water in one side of the basement.. and it was up to my ankles in the other side... I'm so thankful that the side with the furnace and water treatment system was on the shallow end...
Another shop vac later (so we could both try to get the water out) and a long tiring night... then a second pump later.. and the basement is finally drying out.... finally.. We both worked so hard to get the water out.. I've never been so sore in my life...

Over 500 dollars later.. for the oil leak that started... then all the flooding expenses..... UGH..... Unbelievable how much water we got rid off.. dh said the worst night we got rid of just over 500 gallons.. picture shop vac'ing that up.. and carrying it out to the sump pump.... then going and doing it all again... not an easy task.. now that we have two pumps, one in each side of the basement.. things should improve.. We also bought a patch to patch up where the majority of the water was coming in the old stone walls of the basement.. Having an over 100 year old house is nice.. but it's got MAJOR drawbacks at times...

I can honestly say I am physically and emotionally drained this week...

Do you ever have that feeling?????



Last week our oil line that runs from the storage tank to the furnace broke.. yes.. broke.. talk about smell of oil.. and mess.... That cost us a nice 230 dollars to fix.. not because our repair man is expensive but because the cost of copper tubing has gone up....

Then 2 days later we find that the side of our basement that does not have a sump pump is flooding.. which just happens to be the side with the furnace/water treatment system.... So.. we watch it for a day hoping that it receeds.. then yesterday I give up and go by an 80 dollar shop vac to try to suck the water up.....

Today the water is back.. it's going down.. and after a night in the basement I think for now we have it under control....lol...

With all these little hiccups.. I've managed to stay possitive.. and to stay calm.. I honestly think I am doing better now handling the mishaps of life... I've had to learn to do it...

I though have been waking up every night with a burning in my throat from stomach acid.. so I'm hoping that this will eventually go away... I think it's just stress related..

After my trip to the ER 2 weeks ago from a migrane attack.. I decided I needed to work on stress management some.. I honestly think that was a part of the headache..

So here's hoping that I can find that silver lining in the clouds when our luck seems to be running the wrong way

It's been a long time since I've blogged.... I've gone through and erased all my old entries.. this is a new start.. a new journal....

I guess I needed a break.. I needed some time to get myself put back together and in order. I lost a big part of myself this last year and a half.. I lost the happiness.. the living for myself and finding my own joy...

I lost myself..  I was consumed in sadness and despair.. Consumed with jealousy and rage... Now I've found love and peace again.. Something I desperately needed... something I had to take a break to fix. I had to take a break from the blog community.. from people on the outside in general.. I've been in a state of repair.. I've moved away from things that have hurt me and toward more positive things in my life. A big change.. something that needed to be changed though. Granted things aren't fully repaired but things are alot better than they were.

I've also come to many conclusions... there's much in my life that I'll never be able to control... There are people that will always hurt me.. things that will always hurt me.. I need to turn the other cheek and grin and bear it as the old sayings go.. I need to remember that while I'm being inflicted with the unhappiness/sadness that these things/people bring that it's only a temporary moment in my life and that there will be other equally happy/good moments to come.

I'm dealing with the loss of my dad now.. Not in denial I guess like I was.. It was just very tramatic for me.. He was a BIG part of my life.. and important person and influence to me. Without him life just doesn't feel the same.. there's a sadness that looms with the happiness.. a sense of loss at every point of my life. Each day I battle this. I've come to find comfort in the memories that I hold dear... in the memories of his love and life.

I'm dealing with the issues with my father in law. One thing I've learned is he'll never change. He is the way he is.. and the more distance and time we put between us the better things get and feel. We do not let this control our life anymore and we are working on just living our life minus him and his influences. Instead we visit and put our time in with him and all else we try to keep him out of for our own happiness. The less involvement with the things in our life he has the better we are and the happier things are. I'm not saying he's a terrible man. In honesty he has a big heart and he can be a wonderful father/grandfather. What I am saying though is he's negative for us and our family.. He often affects our lives in the wrong way so we are now trying to take control of how he affects our lives instead of letting him influence things negativily.

I've learned many lessons these last few months.. I've learned more I guess this last year than in the 31 years I've been alive... I've also learned that yes... there are people that get ahead in life.. ahead of those that plug along and try so hard to improve.. Yes.. it can be frustrating but at the end of the day when you drop from exhaustion you know you did it all on your own and no one held your hand while you were doing that. I've learned that I will always watch certain people in my life get everything they ever wanted plus what we wanted because they use and abuse those around them.. With that education I've also learned that it may be hard to watch them come by everything with those means and know they have everything you ever wanted... but I've also found that when push comes to shove.. in the... I am happier.. I am truly the blessed one and that if I work hard enough I'll earn some of the things that I want.. and the ones that I do not earn.. it wasn't because I didn't try.. it just wasn't going to be.. The important thing though I've learned self respect.. I've learned that I am the one that needs to take the responsibility to acheive the goals in life.. and that I am not ruining others to get where I need or want to be...

I've also dealt with heart ache all year.. Everyone seems to be having babies.. or getting pregnant or planning on getting pregnant soon... I think this was probably one of the hardest things to come to terms with this year... I've come to terms with the fact that I will not be one of those people.... I will never be one of those people again. That chapter in my life is closed. My heart still aches and I'll always carry that ache/pain around with me. I guess the truth really does hurt..  The truth.. the realism is.. this will never be.. there are too many hurdles.. too much money required to achieve this goal.. A reversal is way too much.. adoption there is so much red tape and money involved.. It just will not happen.. It hurts me more to actual say it.. to know outloud that this dream is finially gone.... Somehow I will move through the rest of my life.. with a smile.. with a congratulations for all those that acheive their dreams... while one of mine was lost... There's just not enough money to go around.. and what extra we can come across will never be enough to reach that dream of mine... With this my heart still cries.. and will more than likely always cry... I do not know how to heal this wound. I just know I need to find a way.. and these last few months I have been working hard to try to improve me.. to try to fix some of the unhappiness so that I can indure the other pain that I can not fix..

I've also discovered these last few months.. I love myself.. you know I do not know if I've ever felt love toward myself? I love who I've become.. I can stand proud and no one intimidates me anymore.. I've grown alot... as a person in whole.

I've also discovered that I love having my children more each and every day.. with them aging we've discovered new things... the joy of watching them succeed in the things they do.. the pain of watching them fall down and supporting them again when they need to get up and try again... These things have been truly special.. Being a mom is wonderful in so many different ways.. To kiss and hug my kids everynight and to watch them grow has been a wonderful experience and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I think these last few months have done me good... I think I've changed.. but that's not all a bad thing.. I think for now it's a wonderful thing...